Friday, March 6, 2009
The Tangled Web
Before I approach today's topic: If you are having suicidal thoughts, making plans or feel your depression is out of control and heading in that direction, please call your therapist and/or psychiatrist immediately. If you have made an attempt, call 911. You may just need a med adjustment. Those nasty little brain chemicals can shift with very little warning. Or, you may need meds or additional therapy. Don't just sit home and suffer. You need to be your own advocate here; no one else can read your mind. Onward. Today I had a Near Death Experience. Okay, maybe not really. I didn't see the light or meet God, but it was close enough to wear me out and get me thinking. The headline would have read, "Fat Girl Dies Eating Fries." How horrible would that be? That'll teach me to eat fast food.
Not really the introduction that intended for such a sensitive subject, but let's discuss death and the perception that all bipolar people want to kill themselves. A part of bipolar disorder is often suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, attempts, mostly unsuccessful. I read in a nursing article that about 70% of us will attempt suicide.
7 out of 10 people. It's staggering. I wonder if those number include attempts made prior to diagnosis and treatment, particularly during the teen years.
How often do you think about suicide? Have you ever attempted it? Do non-bipolar people have these thoughts but refuse to admit them to others? What's the percentage there?
Before my diagnosis, I would sit in the kitchen floor, holding the sharpest knife we owned and praying for the courage to finally get it over with. Sounds selfish to some, to leave my marriage and my family that way, but those on the outside need to understand that I was thinking that I was doing those around me a favor, freeing them of the burden of me, my depression, my crazy mania, my strange thoughts and rituals, my anger and my fears. I felt guilty for not doing it at the time.
I've heard so many people say attempts are "just" attention-seeking actions. I'm sure they are cried for help. Consider having to live with any devastating physical disorder, all its pains and symptoms for an average of a decade before any medical professional would take you seriously, recognize your disorder and offer you the relief of diagnosis and treatment. Ten years is the average time bipolar people wait.
Recently I was talking to my therapist about this subject in general. My suicidal thoughts are fewer and further between on my current meds. They occur more like drive-by shootings, disconcerting but not unmanageable.
As I explained to my therapist, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to "be done and go home." But, I am finding the patience to believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Do any of you feel this way?
I'm curious that you think happens to the soul of a person who commits suicide? Let me know your thoughts. I'd like to continue this discussion later.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Make-Up and Make Believe
Today was an unusual day for me. I went out of the house three times voluntarily, and not a single trip was a doctor's appointment. That must be some kind of a record for an agoraphobic. On one trip, I went to the drug store and bought some make-up. Sounds like a small thing, but I haven't owned any in a long, long time. And, now, there is a huge part of me that wants to return it.
My granny would ask a much younger me, "Why do you need to paint your face?" She would also shop at the Estee Lauder counter all day, given the chance.
I'm torn, but mostly looking at it as an exercise in feeling normal, that word we all hate, although I find that the most normal-appearing people hate it the most. Why is that? But, I digress. Normal. Normal women wear make-up. Not all women, but the majority. Even my hero, Frida, liked her rouge and lip stick!
I think there is some part of us that needs to feel as if we look better on the outside than we feel on the inside. And, we need to hide. There has been so much written about the use of masks, and make-up is a mask. For me, I'd rather someone say that I'm the girl with the bright green eyeshadow, rather than the woman who just left her full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle because she had a panic attack.
It sounds so silly to be wrecked by such small decisions. I wonder if others are this confused by the minutia of life? Will small steps always feel like huge hurdles? Will it always be so hard to discern a step forward from one back?
On a positive note, I swam for about an hour and half today. I've been out of the pool for a few days because of bronchitis. I may have overdone it a little. I felt like a jellyfish when I was driving home. Still, I'm back in the exercise mode. Watch out 299 lbs, here I come!
The Weight of the Matter
Today my father made a comment that if I didn't eat more salads I was going to be the next fat girl on TV trying to lose weight in front of millions of people. Screw that! I'll be the thousandth trying to lost weight in front of those of you who stumble upon this blog.
I consider myself something of a nonconformist. So, why jump on this misguided, media-driven desire to be thin? I've thought a lot about that questions, and it has to do with me recovering a part of myself, my life and my freedom that depression and medication has robbed away from me. So, you will hear me talk about the trials, tribulations and triumphs every now and then. Also, I will post my weekly or biweekly weight.
Today, I am 300 lbs. on the dot.
Welcome to my blog on mental illness and recovery. I thought I'd begin with a little list of things I hope to cover:
- The disease and symptoms I live with. I promise you and I to be brutally honest about bipolar disorder, severe depression, anxiety, paralyzing panic attacks and the like.
- The meaning of the small triumphs and huge hurdle.
- Isolation and loneliness.
- Creativity and Recovery.
- Unusual means to healing.
- The importance and failures of friends and family.
- The importance of pets and other animals.
- What your friends and family cannot and probably will never understand.
- The dance of disability and self-advocacy.
- One step at a time.
- Music.
- Resources you may not know about.
- Benefits available when and if you are ready, including school and those old student loans.
- What you see and hear in the media and from other people when they don't know a mentally ill person is in the room.
- Dealing with shame from those around you.
- Weight gain and loss.
- Anger.
- Grieving the losses.
- Retrieving the important parts of yourself and finding the new.
Some of this will no doubt overlap, and some will turn into multiple entries on the same subject. I am not an expert, just another bipolar person who wants and needs to speak out and to speak to those like me and those who want to learn. I'd like this to be a shared experience; your thoughts, ideas and suggestions are always welcome. I hope this becomes a resource of comfort and information.
My little disclaimer: Please seek help of medical professionals if you are or believe you are experiencing a mental illness. I would not be alive without my therapist and psychiatrist, not to mention the cocktail of drugs I take, even when I don't want to.
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