Panic Attacks

Do any of you live with panic attacks, too?

I tried to go to a small class at a herb farm this morning. It was about growing your own tea garden. I love tea in a slightly obsessive, I-have-more-than-I could-drink-in-a-year, kinda way. And, I keep buying it! Anyway, this class seemed perfect: small, a subject that interested me, out in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say, the old panic attack kicked in less than half-way through the class. I felt like I was suffocating. The room was spinning a little. It felt as if I would die if I didn't get out of there right then. I snuck out as much as you can sneak out of a small crowd. I walked around outside, but the feeling wouldn't pass. I left and went to the car to cry. 

I take my medicine, do what I'm told to do, but I still have them. And, I can't stand it. It's so frustrating to feel like something inside of me is sabotaging my life. Do you feel that way when you have them?

Following up on yesterday's post, I started making a list of the things I still want out of life, again. I did my best to really listen to my heart and soul. I was surprised by the things that I listed, at least some of the bigger ones. There are a couple of things I think I had given up on when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, before the psychosis and panic attacks, etc. 

I'm not ready to list them here yet, but I will someday, probably soon. I want to show the list to my therapist on Monday, watch her jaw hit the floor and listen to what she has to say. I'm curious if she will be supportive or not. And, I'm not sure where that leaves me if she isn't. My therapy lately has revolved so much around getting my disability, adjusting to living back at my parents house, etc. Necessary subjects, but not getting to the heart of what I really need to talk about: the things on this list, my purpose. 

I'm just gonna throw this out here with the preface that I know I am nowhere near ready for any kind of relationship. Could you date someone with a mental illness who lived at home with her parents? Neither of those situations will change for me, even when I am healthier and doing better in general. My house is being sold. My income will be too limited to move. I'll still have bipolar disorder and its complications. So, I just wonder, in the future, will there be a man who can see past that and see me?