I Need a Do-Over!

If there were a re-commitment ceremony for bloggers, I would have to have one. 

I have my excuse in thirty, yes, thirty pages of paperwork I've filled out for social security these last two weeks, along with the phone tag I've been playing with my long-term disability claims examiner for my work disability. They told me this would be a frustrating, tedious process; they didn't lie. 

While I was slowly muddling my way through all the questions, I kept thinking about the other people with serious mental illnesses who need this, too. How in the world would a schizophrenic with no help ever make it past page one? If I weren't medicated, I'd never have made it. And, the meds make me much slower than I normally would be. Frustrating. And, it's not set-up for mental health at all. What difference does it make how much weight I can lift?!

Just had to get that off my chest. Maybe I should write an article for Bust magazine about it. I love that magazine. (Sorry, guys, no naked women there!)

I've done a lot of thinking while playing twenty questions with the government. Nothing better to make your mind wander than endless paperwork. Mostly I've been thinking about a purpose. 

I'm a fairly young woman, 38, almost 39. What is my purpose now that I am not a nurse, now that I am no longer defined by my career? It would nice to say, "You can be anything," but the truth is that I have serious limitations. If not, there would be no need for the disability. I cannot function in public, with other people. Stores and other crowded places cause panic attacks. I often have a hard time overcoming my agoraphobia at all during a week. I have to give up sleep to go swim before the sun has come up because there are fewer people at the pool at 6 a.m.

That's just one feature of my illness. So, anything is not really an option. But, there are options. I just don't know which road to take. My therapist calls this psychotic break of mine a life "do-over." She says that now is the time to find my true purpose, my true calling. I don't have a clue how to do that. I've prayed, made lists, cried, prayed some more, tried to paint, write...you can see how this isn't working. 

Maybe this is my mid-life crisis and psychotic break all rolled up into one big bundle. I'm curious how other people have faced this. Did you feel this way when you became disabled, for those of you who have gone on this journey already? Is it okay to live life without a grand plan or big dream? (Somehow it feels empty to me that way.) Let me know what you think. 

I apologize for the long break. I will try to be a more committed blogger, as long as no one commits me! (Just a little mental health humor, lol, a very little!)