An Entry about the Dark

Last night was a bad night.

The demons returned to my dreams, and I could not go back to sleep. It is so frustrating. I take my medication, get some exercise, do creative work, go to my therapy and try to stay hopeful, but there are still the dark times. 

I dream of demons and hell. Explicit, graphic, horrifying nightmares. The dreams took on a life of their own about the same time I had the psychotic break, the time when the voices began. Neither has ever gone completely away, despite a thousand medication changes and combinations. They are less frequent, but they are not gone. And, I guess I need to accept that they may never be. 

I can remember reading how mentally ill people where a part of the tragedy that were the witch trials during the crusade period of history. I still today hear people say that the mentally ill may be possessed. Now I can appreciate that. At times, I've had to fight those ideas myself. Imagine an even less enlightened period today when people battled these symptoms without the benefit of medications and a better understanding of brain chemistry. I'm not excusing the atrocity, just understanding better how it occurred. 

Even today, there is such a stigma still attached. There is great research into other illnesses, i.e., cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Is anyone doing any real research into mental illness, aside for one more experimental pill they can stuff down our throats, pills with a thousand horrid side effects. Again, it's frustrating.

I want to know where the Walk to Cure Mental Illness is. I want to know who would put a little magnetic ribbon on their car saying, "Support A Cure for Mental Illness." Where is our telethon? Instead, we are told that there is no cure and there never will be. Is that true? Why is that true? 

It's daytime now, and I hope I can get some sleep. Does the nighttime make hallucinations worse for you? Do you think there are triggers? Or, do they just happen? I'm curious to hear your thoughts.