Back Again

I keep promising myself that I will be more consistent with this blog. Maybe it is a promise I can keep this time. I truly do appreciate those who read and comment. I would love to be here enough to create a sense of community. I think so many of live fairly solitary lives due to our illnesses. 

I've been writing fiction again. I was writing like a maniac without the mania. 

It was as if a switch flipped in my brain and said, "Okay, you can write now."

Well, write I did. I even posted my stories to a popular site and received a lot of high ratings and some positive feedback. I found myself miserable every minute of it. I couldn't believe it! 

I talked to my therapist about it. Her theory (and I agree): I've spent the last couple of years waiting to write again. At first the block seemed related to the break up with another writer. Then, with the psychosis, I felt like God did not want me to write. I fought that feeling, not believing that God would want such a thing. At the time, Gale told me I should trust the feeling and let it go for the moment. When it came back so suddenly, I thought God had changed His mind. Well, now I'm not so sure. Gale (my therapist) put it this way. Sometimes God has to let us do things to realize they are NOT a part of our path, or not such an important part. 

I've been so miserable, like a prisoner writing letters from her jail cell; it is not hard to admit. I don't enjoy writing fiction now. It is a chore, and I think your life's work may be hard at times, but it does not feel like a chore all the time. Does that make sense?

The thing that brings me true happiness, and has since I was a child, is art in general and painting in particular. Gale wants me to focus on this and to look into communities of artists I could become a part of sooner or later. 

All that said, I thought I would discuss my treatment plan with you. We are trying to lay it out in specific actions now. 

1.) Get involved in art and art communities again.

2.) Attend the Unitarian Church, even if I do sit on the back row and refuse to talk to anyone, lol. 

3.) Study from a couple of spiritual books that I am attracted to now.

4.) Swim and/or do yoga at Associated Therapeutics 2-3 times a week. (I was going more, but I have begun to isolate more and more again.)

5.) Work out a realistic financial plan where I can move out on my own once my long-term disability comes through. I am hoping to get an answer soon from the work-related one. Who knows when I will hear back from social security.

6.) Allow myself to be open to the possibility of a relationship. This one surprised me, but Gale insisted that I consider it, not put it off as a long-term, no-date goal.

7.) Be a vegetarian, as that is where my heart lies. I am now down to fish and vegetables. I have to learn to cook vegetarian meals, and I am working on that. 

It seems like there is more, but that is all that comes to mind right now. If you see a therapist, do you plan out these sort of goals, or is it only talk? Im just curious. I like this way better, although there is some pressure involved. I don't want to disappoint myself or Gale, although she would never admit if I did.