Not all artists are insane. I'll give you that, but there a fairly large number who lived with a mental illness of one stripe or another.
Creative types are notorious for refusing to either get diagnosed or for refusing to take their medication if they have been. I am beginning to understand why.
I have two half-finished paintings, a novel and a number of short stories running around my brain with nowhere to go. And, yes, I am going to blame my meds.
I'm a big advocate of people taking their pills. You don't stop just because you feel better. You talk to your doctor if you're not feeling better. I always preach this to myself and, in the past, to my patients.
But, when it comes to creativity, I think they might be eating that alive. It takes courage to create. Let's think about courage. The base of the word itself is "to rage." In Old English, it had a connotation of vengeance. In French, it has a history of meaning "to have heart." It takes some of both of these characteristics to dare to lay your heart and soul and mind on the line, creating something new from thin air. It requires an openness, a trust within yourself.
I think the meds are killing that part of me.
Granted, I hear voices. I'm not emotionally stable. I can't go into many public places without having a panic attack. I also can't write or paint or even do the less courageous crafting. I am too calm inside to do that. I am too guarded to let go. I need pills to make it through the day instead of a paintbrush or a pen.
Are there any creative types out there who understand this dilemma? Have you ever quit your meds so that you could be creative again? Do any of you function just fine in this department while still on all your medication?
I can't see me not taking my pills, but there must be some way to do both.
I know exactly what you mean. The times when I have been my creative best is when I was in either a manic or depressive state. But off my meds, I can't live a normal life or be around people without alienating them.
ReplyDeleteIn the past couple of years, I've made the effort of doing SOMETHING creative on a regular basis, even if drawing stick figures or painting splotches if that is all I can manage at the time. I am teaching myself to create again; where it once came naturally, I approach it as if it were an acquired skill. I even plan to take art classes at the local community college to get back in touch with my creative side and to meet creative people.
I don't know if that helps, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
I hear you and know EXACTLY how you feel. I am also an artist, feel very uncreative, have started a book...I also was diagnosed about 13 years ago, on disability (after 2 suicide attempts; kinda like so many people have to get hit by a car crossing a street before the city will install a traffic light.) I have never CONSCIOUSLY gone off my meds, but been so "out there" that I couldn't figure them out, or ex gave me 6 doses cuz we couldn't read 50/50 "instructions". (I hallucinated; not the first time! Also did when painters of condo provided zero ventilation; bad mix of rx's & fumes for 2 months!) I have, however, since I last saw my "shrink" (psych is so hard to spell) reduced my Lithium by half on my own. (Wanted to go on Topamax again til learned it's gone up to $380 a bottle; Medicare will only cover 5 months worth.) She probably won't like that...I may not tell her. She's a bad one...criticizes me one minute, next minute says, "But that's ok..." over & over & over...weird take care :0) Sheri email is:
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ps The reason I initially went to half my Lithium was that "shrink" lowered it to half to to go on Topamax in one week. Took her office 2 weeks to get it approved by Medicare (level II/pre-approval) only to find I couldn't afford it. Am doing great on it.
ReplyDeleteI think your creativity is winning right now. You have been writing some amazing stuff - but you have always written amazing stuff. I'm glad you're doing it again - I can tell it makes you happy.
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