Make-Up and Make Believe

Today was an unusual day for me. I went out of the house three times voluntarily, and not a single trip was a doctor's appointment. That must be some kind of a record for an agoraphobic. 

On one trip, I went to the drug store and bought some make-up. Sounds like a small thing, but I haven't owned any in a long, long time. And, now, there is a huge part of me that wants to return it.

My granny would ask a much younger me, "Why do you need to paint your face?" She would also shop at the Estee Lauder counter all day, given the chance. 

I'm torn, but mostly looking at it as an exercise in feeling normal, that word we all hate, although I find that the most normal-appearing people hate it the most. Why is that? But, I digress. Normal. Normal women wear make-up. Not all women, but the majority. Even my hero, Frida, liked her rouge and lip stick! 

I think there is some part of us that needs to feel as if we look better on the outside than we feel on the inside. And, we need to hide. There has been so much written about the use of masks, and make-up is a mask. For me, I'd rather someone say that I'm the girl with the bright green eyeshadow, rather than the woman who just left her full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle because she had a panic attack. 

It sounds so silly to be wrecked by such small decisions. I wonder if others are this confused by the minutia of life? Will small steps always feel like huge hurdles? Will it always be so hard to discern a step forward from one back?

On a positive note, I swam for about an hour and half today. I've been out of the pool for a few days because of bronchitis. I may have overdone it a little. I felt like a jellyfish when I was driving home. Still, I'm back in the exercise mode. Watch out 299 lbs, here I come!