Before I approach today's topic: If you are having suicidal thoughts, making plans or feel your depression is out of control and heading in that direction, please call your therapist and/or psychiatrist immediately. If you have made an attempt, call 911. You may just need a med adjustment. Those nasty little brain chemicals can shift with very little warning. Or, you may need meds or additional therapy. Don't just sit home and suffer. You need to be your own advocate here; no one else can read your mind. Onward. Today I had a Near Death Experience. Okay, maybe not really. I didn't see the light or meet God, but it was close enough to wear me out and get me thinking. The headline would have read, "Fat Girl Dies Eating Fries." How horrible would that be? That'll teach me to eat fast food.
Not really the introduction that intended for such a sensitive subject, but let's discuss death and the perception that all bipolar people want to kill themselves. A part of bipolar disorder is often suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, attempts, mostly unsuccessful. I read in a nursing article that about 70% of us will attempt suicide.
7 out of 10 people. It's staggering. I wonder if those number include attempts made prior to diagnosis and treatment, particularly during the teen years.
How often do you think about suicide? Have you ever attempted it? Do non-bipolar people have these thoughts but refuse to admit them to others? What's the percentage there?
Before my diagnosis, I would sit in the kitchen floor, holding the sharpest knife we owned and praying for the courage to finally get it over with. Sounds selfish to some, to leave my marriage and my family that way, but those on the outside need to understand that I was thinking that I was doing those around me a favor, freeing them of the burden of me, my depression, my crazy mania, my strange thoughts and rituals, my anger and my fears. I felt guilty for not doing it at the time.
I've heard so many people say attempts are "just" attention-seeking actions. I'm sure they are cried for help. Consider having to live with any devastating physical disorder, all its pains and symptoms for an average of a decade before any medical professional would take you seriously, recognize your disorder and offer you the relief of diagnosis and treatment. Ten years is the average time bipolar people wait.
Recently I was talking to my therapist about this subject in general. My suicidal thoughts are fewer and further between on my current meds. They occur more like drive-by shootings, disconcerting but not unmanageable.
As I explained to my therapist, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to "be done and go home." But, I am finding the patience to believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Do any of you feel this way?
I'm curious that you think happens to the soul of a person who commits suicide? Let me know your thoughts. I'd like to continue this discussion later.
I always think of "What Dreams May Come" when people ask what becomes of those who take their own life.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe in heaven or hell, albeit I do believe that suicide brings a sort of hell on earth to the families, friends, coworkers, et cetera of said one.
In so many ways, I agree with your post. Thank you for your honesty.
Steven
I do not have bipolar disorder but in my early 20's I seriously thought that suicide would be a good answer to relieve the pain in my life. I obviously didn't take that route. I did however drink myself into oblivion on many an occasion for almost that entire decade. I don't drink anymore either.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts, on where the soul of someone that commits suicide goes, are that soul is finally at peace and goes on to heaven (if you have been a good peron) or on to hell (if you've been a bad person). Just because you committed suicide doesn't make you a bad person.
I think of a very good friend of mine that committed suicide a little over a year ago. He wasn't a bad person, he was suffering from mental illness, didn't know it, and never got any help. I didn't see it, and didn't know about it until almost a year later - he had moved out of state and we had lost touch. I feel badly that I didn't know he was hurting, I would have tried to reach out to him to help.
I then think about criminals that commit a heinous crime then take thier own life. That's what I call cowardice. They go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and graciously save the state thousands of dollars.
All I can say is that I'm glad that you are still here and very proud of your honesty and of your weight loss too!
I am 52 years old and happy to have come across your blog and your story on bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD and borderline disorder 3 years ago...although, the signs begin as a teen. My life for the past 20 years has been a tumbleweed, making one irrational, impulsive decision after another. I thank my God for the knowledge he has given our doctors to help those who suffer from this demon...one that want let go. God gave to me my beautiful 25 year old daughter whom he knew I would need in my life...because of her I am here to share my story. Bipolar can not be healed,but it can be treated. And with ongoing therapy and medication, I have learned how to recognize and keep my illness at bay for the most part. I want to thank you for beginning this blog and just know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIn response to your question on suicide, as to whether one goes to heaven or hell when one takes their own life...I would like to share with you my convictions on this subject. Our God is a loving God, but he is also a JUST God and must keep his own word. If he didn't mean what he says, there would be no need to be forgiven, for his word would be worthless...for we would not appreciate God's forgiveness of our sins. God wants us to DESIRE to be with him. God does not hand us salvation on a silver platter, nor can it be earned by any good deeds. It is God's free gift of GRACE to us for believing in Jesus and inviting him into our lives to live while here on earth. This is not to say that we will never mess up any more...for we will...we are all sinners. We were made for God's own pleasure, not ours, but His, and this is why we were born. God gives us a free will and the CHOICE to decide our eternity...it's just that simple. The bible is clear to us that we can not be GOOD enough to get us into heaven, nor can we be BAD enough to prevent us from going to heaven. We must all except God's forgiveness through Jesus to become a member of heaven...nothing more, nothing less...it is free. We must all come to the Father through Jesus... for this reason Jesus took our place on the cross, to save us from ourselves...the sinners that we all are. Once we become a child of God (a Christian), there is no turning back. There is nothing we can do after being forgiven that will cause us to loose our salvation. As there is nothing good enough that will earn our salvation and our rights to heaven. So with this being said, I believe that once a CHRISTIAN takes his or her own life, that God allows that person into heaven...for on the Cross all of our sins, past, present and FUTURE is already paid for by Jesus. God hurts for us and cries for us when we sin,whether it be the sin of suicide or another sin. He has promised that he will never disown us or forsake us once we are His child. Not one sin is greater than the other in God's eyes. God never promised us that life would be easy, but He did promise that we would never go through life alone, good or bad, He will always be there for us. My prayer for all who read this is that you except this free gift of forgiveness and join me in heaven someday. We are all here now learning how to live in heaven once we get there...it is not about us at all. And if you do not feel some sort of quilt over our sins, then it's time to reevaluate our own lives . Make sure that it is about God. What if I am right about all of this. I don't want to take any changes...do you? PRAISE GOD!!!
ReplyDeleteNew International Reader's Version (NIRV)
Ephesians 2:8
8 God's grace has saved you because of your faith in Christ. Your salvation doesn't come from anything you do. It is God's gift.
I ran across the link to your blog on Facebook. It is good to see something like this online. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 40. I had been having symptoms since about 15 years of age. My first marriage ended before I was diagnosed. I think if I had been diagnosed sooner it would have survived. I am happily married again for 14 years. Two of my sons have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder also. One is on disability because of it. He here's voices and is unable to keep a job. the other one is managing well. My two other living sons show signs of possibly being bipolar. My youngest son passed away 7 years ago at the age of 16. For everyone reading this I want you to know you can survive with this disorder. I have had a few bad times this year and I think it is becasue of teh bad winter we had. I have not been able to get outside much. Being outside and working in my yard is great therapy for me. My husband has also become better at dealing with the episodes. He does not take things personally anymore. The best thing we can do for all people with any type of mental disorder is to change people's perception. People need to realize we are not crazy, we have a MEDICAL condition just the same as someone with diabetes or heart disease. We did not choose to be this way. We alos need to understand we need to stay on our medication just like a diabetic or someone taking meds for high blood pressure. The meds don't work if you don't take them. I guess I should stop rambling on. This is something though, that is near and dear to my heart.
ReplyDeleteThats a very interesting post. I have been inspired. Thanks.
ReplyDelete