An Entry about the Dark

Last night was a bad night.

The demons returned to my dreams, and I could not go back to sleep. It is so frustrating. I take my medication, get some exercise, do creative work, go to my therapy and try to stay hopeful, but there are still the dark times. 

I dream of demons and hell. Explicit, graphic, horrifying nightmares. The dreams took on a life of their own about the same time I had the psychotic break, the time when the voices began. Neither has ever gone completely away, despite a thousand medication changes and combinations. They are less frequent, but they are not gone. And, I guess I need to accept that they may never be. 

I can remember reading how mentally ill people where a part of the tragedy that were the witch trials during the crusade period of history. I still today hear people say that the mentally ill may be possessed. Now I can appreciate that. At times, I've had to fight those ideas myself. Imagine an even less enlightened period today when people battled these symptoms without the benefit of medications and a better understanding of brain chemistry. I'm not excusing the atrocity, just understanding better how it occurred. 

Even today, there is such a stigma still attached. There is great research into other illnesses, i.e., cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Is anyone doing any real research into mental illness, aside for one more experimental pill they can stuff down our throats, pills with a thousand horrid side effects. Again, it's frustrating.

I want to know where the Walk to Cure Mental Illness is. I want to know who would put a little magnetic ribbon on their car saying, "Support A Cure for Mental Illness." Where is our telethon? Instead, we are told that there is no cure and there never will be. Is that true? Why is that true? 

It's daytime now, and I hope I can get some sleep. Does the nighttime make hallucinations worse for you? Do you think there are triggers? Or, do they just happen? I'm curious to hear your thoughts. 

SSDI Interview

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was emotionally exhausted. I had my SSDI interview and had pretty much worked myself up into a panic over the whole thing. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I cried? What if I had a panic attack and couldn't finish? I had a long list of what ifs. 

I thought I would make this post for those who are anticipating this whole process and simply tell you the questions I remember. I looked online and couldn't find anything helpful in those terms before my interview. 

First, the interview lasted 90 minutes. I chose to do mine over the phone because with my particular problems, it seemed my best chance to say what I needed to say. 

There is a lot of "dead time" in the process. You won't be talking for 90 minutes. You will spend a lot of time waiting for them to type something or search a database. Also, you will be repeating a lot of information that you have submitted in written form to them. So, be prepared and have your forms there with you. Be sure you are copying and dating every scrap of paper. And, get names when you can.

The interview:

• I was recorded saying that I was being truthful under penalty of perjury.
• First, SSI status was determined. SSI and SSDI are completely separate programs, for those who don't know. (Be sure to do some general research online about this sort of thing beforehand, and you won't feel as freaked out.)
• I was asked about my home and its market value. I didn't know, so they asked the tax assessment value. 
• I was asked about my parents home and whether they had a mortgage when I told them I lived here. If you are living with family, you are almost automatically excluded from SSI. 
• I was asked about my personal vehicle, make, model, market value.
• I was asked my diagnosis, not my symptoms. Make yourself a list of both to have in front of you. It helped.
• I was asked how my illness affected my work. Another list to make, from the simplest problem to the most complex. You need to tell everything and not be embarrassed. 
• Given my employment, I was asked if anyone was every harmed due to my illness. They weren't. Thank God.
• They go through your employment dates for the past 15 years. If you have a period you were unemployed; i.e. you were in school or raising kids, be prepared to explain that. 
• They will choose the place you worked the LONGEST, not necessarily the most recent, and ask a series of questions about physical labor, although it probably has nothing to do with your mental health claim. You will be asked the number of hours you worked in a day and the number of days you worked in a week. Then, you will be asked during those hours how many were spent: standing, sitting, stooping, walking, etc. 
• You will be asked if you have any additional illness besides the one you are claiming. 
• They will ask for the addresses and phone numbers of 2 people close enough to you to verify your symptoms/illness.
• They will ask permission to contact your previous employer.
• You will be asked your highest level of education completed. 
• You will be asked what your meds are, why you take each one and who prescribed them.
• They want the names, addresses and phone numbers of any medical professional who has treated you since you became disabled. They will also want your primary care physician.
• Finally, you will be asked if there is anything that wasn't covered in the questions that you think they need to know. There will be, and this is your chance to step up and be heard. We never covered the extent of my agoraphobia, my hallucinations or my panic attacks during the interview. Well, I told all about those in the end. You need to do the same. 
• I expected many more questions about my actual illness; there were few. I know that information will be in my medical records, but I wanted to make sure they heard it from me, too. 

Okay, I hope that helps somebody. I will add to the post if I remember anything else. 

Weight Loss Update

I'm down to 294lbs. That's 6 pounds since I started swimming 3 weeks ago. Yay! 

The Tangled Web

Before I approach today's topic: If you are having suicidal thoughts, making plans or feel your depression is out of control and heading in that direction, please call your therapist and/or psychiatrist immediately. If you have made an attempt, call 911. You may just need a med adjustment. Those nasty little brain chemicals can shift with very little warning. Or, you may need meds or additional therapy. Don't just sit home and suffer. You need to be your own advocate here; no one else can read your mind. 

Onward. Today I had a Near Death Experience. Okay, maybe not really. I didn't see the light or meet God, but it was close enough to wear me out and get me thinking. The headline would have read, "Fat Girl Dies Eating Fries." How horrible would that be? That'll teach me to eat fast food.

Not really the introduction that intended for such a sensitive subject, but let's discuss death and the perception that all bipolar people want to kill themselves. A part of bipolar disorder is often suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, attempts, mostly unsuccessful. I read in a nursing article that about 70% of us will attempt suicide. 

7 out of 10 people. It's staggering. I wonder if those number include attempts made prior to diagnosis and treatment, particularly during the teen years.

How often do you think about suicide? Have you ever attempted it? Do non-bipolar people have these thoughts but refuse to admit them to others? What's the percentage there?

Before my diagnosis, I would sit in the kitchen floor, holding the sharpest knife we owned and praying for the courage to finally get it over with. Sounds selfish to some, to leave my marriage and my family that way, but those on the outside need to understand that I was thinking that I was doing those around me a favor, freeing them of the burden of me, my depression, my crazy mania, my strange thoughts and rituals, my anger and my fears. I felt guilty for not doing it at the time.

I've heard so many people say attempts are "just" attention-seeking actions. I'm sure they are cried for help. Consider having to live with any devastating physical disorder, all its pains and symptoms for an average of a decade before any medical professional would take you seriously, recognize your disorder and offer you the relief of diagnosis and treatment. Ten years is the average time bipolar people wait. 

Recently I was talking to my therapist about this subject in general. My suicidal thoughts are fewer and further between on my current meds. They occur more like drive-by shootings, disconcerting but not unmanageable. 

As I explained to my therapist, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to "be done and go home." But, I am finding the patience to believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Do any of you feel this way?

I'm curious that you think happens to the soul of a person who commits suicide? Let me know your thoughts. I'd like to continue this discussion later. 

Make-Up and Make Believe

Today was an unusual day for me. I went out of the house three times voluntarily, and not a single trip was a doctor's appointment. That must be some kind of a record for an agoraphobic. 

On one trip, I went to the drug store and bought some make-up. Sounds like a small thing, but I haven't owned any in a long, long time. And, now, there is a huge part of me that wants to return it.

My granny would ask a much younger me, "Why do you need to paint your face?" She would also shop at the Estee Lauder counter all day, given the chance. 

I'm torn, but mostly looking at it as an exercise in feeling normal, that word we all hate, although I find that the most normal-appearing people hate it the most. Why is that? But, I digress. Normal. Normal women wear make-up. Not all women, but the majority. Even my hero, Frida, liked her rouge and lip stick! 

I think there is some part of us that needs to feel as if we look better on the outside than we feel on the inside. And, we need to hide. There has been so much written about the use of masks, and make-up is a mask. For me, I'd rather someone say that I'm the girl with the bright green eyeshadow, rather than the woman who just left her full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle because she had a panic attack. 

It sounds so silly to be wrecked by such small decisions. I wonder if others are this confused by the minutia of life? Will small steps always feel like huge hurdles? Will it always be so hard to discern a step forward from one back?

On a positive note, I swam for about an hour and half today. I've been out of the pool for a few days because of bronchitis. I may have overdone it a little. I felt like a jellyfish when I was driving home. Still, I'm back in the exercise mode. Watch out 299 lbs, here I come! 

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